Monday, November 5, 2012

Before I get into my real post I have to take a moment to pat myself on the back. I truly thought that I would have failed at NaBloPoMo by now - yes, 5 days in.

I may not be posting stellar, mind-blowing things, but I have posted! I call that a win (so far).

I'd also like to take a moment to inform you that, if you are reading here, you're going to be helping me work through a lot of shit right now. I apologize in advance, but that is just where I'm at these days. I am in such a weird (but good) place, I feel everything evolving and changing around and within me. I'll try not to get too deep, but I'm definitely in a place of change right now - big change - and the results of that are a lot of over-analysis and deep thoughts.

Okay, on to my actual post:

So, I just got back from a minor surgical procedure. It was nothing big, but I'm feeling a little wiped out from the anesthesia. Thankfully the husband has taken the kids out and about so that I can have some peace (and complete my post for today, and catch up on my NaNoWriMo word count).

Long story short, I've had some abnormal cell activity in my cervix and previous procedures didn't nix the issue so they went in and took a larger area in hopes of getting rid of all the nasty (but NOT cancerous, let me make that clear) cells. I was in and out and, aside from some minor cramping going on, I feel pretty good.

Which brings me to the "deep issue" that this whole experience has brought up in me: Friendships

When do you decide that a friendship is tipping toward toxic? What do you do about that? Especially when the person is not necessarily someone you want to eject from your life, but it has just become taxing carrying on a friendship because of their level of self-centeredness. (and please - we are ALL self-centered, to a point, these days, we live in the "me, me me" era - some people are just worse than others. That goes for being judgmental too, but that is another post entirely)

You read these articles about "toxic friendships" and one things that always comes up is the idea that they trivialize everything going on in your life, but expect you to come running when they have a hangnail. That's kind of where I'm at with this particular situation.

I am totally not the kind of person who needs people to "ooh" and "ahhh" over every little thing that goes on in my life. In fact, I'm the total opposite. I'm happy to let most things go under the radar, probably to a fault. And while this whole situation wasn't that big of a deal, there are some psychological aspects that I've been dealing with. I know that everything is likely to be fine, but that is what they've been telling me at each turn. "We need to do this, don't worry, it usually comes back as nothing." Just to get the call that says, "Well... We're going to have to have you come in for [this procedure], don't worry, it will likely come back as nothing." Repeat.
That wears on you a bit. At least it wore on me, and is actually still wearing on me to a point because here I sit, yet again, waiting for biopsy results that "are likely nothing". I've heard that one before - a few times now.

Basically, over the last couple of months there have been a couple of times that I've just needed to talk this out, just to get my head clear, only to be met with "Yeah, I'm not sure what that is, I've never done it, but its common. So when I was out last night here's all the drama that I had to deal with..." and on and on.

I don't know. I'm kind of over certain kinds of relationships these days. One-sided relationships are at the top of the list. I don't even have any fancy way to wrap this up, and in fact, probably have a lot more to say on this subject, but I'm feeling as though it is time to lay down.

I hope this post isn't too all over the place, ha! I'll be back tomorrow, now it is time to sleep.

Happy Monday, y'all!

1 comment:

  1. First and foremost, I hope you are feeling better. That sucks that you are going through all of this. I will send some positive thoughts your way to ensure a good outcome. Hang in there!

    Second, I have been pondering this very thing a good deal recently as well. I do believe that these kinds of things do become apparent in times of stress overload. I find that I am less able to "deal" with that all encompassing self centeredness during these times. With that being said, I believe that we are at a point in our lives that we need to detoxify as much as possible. I know, I know easier said than done- but things bring us down, it just happens, and the more you put up with it, the more you have to endure. Sometimes the scales just tip too far and there is no turning back. That is why, my suggestion would be to really continue to evaluate those particular relationships and if there is no hope for at least a partially reciprocal relationship, it is not worth your focus. You don't need to be the center of everyones world, (nor do I think you would ever want to be) but, the whole point of friendship (I think) is to be able to lean on someone when you need to. You can't always be the one leaned upon, because trust me there will come a point where you can't take it anymore and then even the good spots in your life may become dulled due to such a weight upon your system. More and more, I really believe that stress can have really significant impacts on our overall physical health (as well as mental). Negativity and toxicity can wreak havoc on ones system. Again, my suggestion to be re-evaluate and look for a two sided relationship- even a partial one. Break of the ones that do not serve you in anyway and/or only bring you down or drain you and I think you will be all the better for it.

    OK. I have rambled enough. Have a good night!