Wednesday, August 14, 2013

So, I'm doing this thing where I am actually allowing myself time to work on creative pursuits. Not even allowing myself, making specific time for these creative pursuits - as if it were my job. I'm also doing this thing where I will happily let anyone who doesn't want to be supportive of this slip away from my existence. I simply don't have time for it anymore.

You know, you get into this conversation with people, and people all give that same reaction... Well, there are a couple of different reactions. The "nod and smile" along with, "yeah, I always thought I would be a writer/artist/musician, hahaha! Then I grew up!" Followed by an entire "hilarious" personal tale which is supposed to lead you to understand why creative pursuits are a complete waste of time for everyone, and completely unrealistic, and how hilarious it is that every 20-something thinks they are going to be a writer, and now that we are not 20-somethings it is something to just get over.
Or they start vaguely talking about "their friend" or "their friend's friend" who is in the middle of some kind of crisis and decided to become a poet at the age of 35, and how they will be destitute forever and should be shunned because that is no way to keep up with The Joneses.
It is a rare, rare thing to actually meet anyone who has anything positive, or encouraging to say about creative pursuits that aren't crafty things found on Pinterest. Which I have nothing against, that just seems like the only acceptable way to "waste time" being creative.

I have no expectations of becoming a famous writer, or artist, or anything of that nature, by the way. Not that I would turn it down, but Mo' Money, Mo' Problems anyway, right? There are so many relatives that I have no desire to have suddenly barging down my door looking for a handout. Holy god, the idea of it kinda terrifies me, to the point I would probably have to consider witness protection program style tactics to keep my sanity. :::shudder:::
I'm merely saying that I have a need to create, therefore, that is what I am going to do.

Quick side note: What is this thing about labeling anyone who is doing something different from what the rest of the herd is doing as being in some form of "crisis". This is really getting to me, FYI.

Trust me. I know this shit is all over the place. I'm sorry, haha! Anyway...

I don't have any crisis. In fact, I can't even tell you the calm that has started to come back over me now that I am actually putting work into creating things. It has taken me to the land of zero fucks, and it is beautiful. 

There are two different lands of zero fucks, by the way. Are we all familiar with this? There is a dark side of zero fucks (which I could agree might be crisis), and a light side of zero fucks (as in, "you can be any way that you want to be, how I'll be, that's up to me" - Thanks Marcy Playground for writing that best lyric ever).

For a creative spirit, when you cannot create, you might as well be dead. That sounds really dramatic, haha! But, it's true. Creating gives the creative spirit life, and without it, there is no balance. This probably sounds really hokey, but to people who have that need to create, it is an absolute truth.

For many years, I have allowed myself to fall in line with the thinking that creativity should be on a back burner somewhere. Something that I should have grown out of by now, and it has taken me to the dark side of zero fucks. As in, I want my kids to be eating, breathing and smiling. Outside of that, I give none. Not a single one. About anyone, or anything.
There are other things that have not helped the situation, but it has taken getting back into creating to realize how much my psyche has been affected by letting it go in the first place.

Now that I have decided that being happy - for the sake of myself, for the sake of my kids, for the sake of my sanity - is what matters, I've started working on things again, and I've landed back on the light side of zero fucks. To me, the positive side of zero fucks. 
Like, I could give zero fucks whether or not you think that my working on creative pursuits is a waste of time. I give zero fucks if you think that writing, or art, is like, so cliche. I give zero fucks that you gave up on your dreams. I won't give up on mine to make you feel better about that, even if it never leads to anything. I give zero fucks if you don't "get" it. I give zero fucks if you stop wanting to spend time with me because there are periods of time that I need to disappear to create things.

Most importantly, I give zero fucks whether or not what I am creating ever makes me a dime. And I think that is truly the root of why people look down on this. Because most people are looking for their dollar. Because, for some, the dollar is where they find validation. That paycheck that is sending them to Pottery Barn for their furniture rather than Ikea (or goodwill). The need to create the illusion that you've put the perfect life in place exactly as it "should" be. To be The Joneses.

Creative spirits don't care about this (Sorry other creative people, I'm going to go ahead and speak for everyone here). We care about creating, and we're doing it for ourselves; not to be patted on the back, not to make millions in a book deal, not to have our work be the next summer blockbuster, and not to have our art displayed at the Metropolitan. It is truly for personal fulfillment, first and foremost.
Not that anyone would turn down the million dollar book deal, or the chance for people to see their work on display in New York City, and if they say they would they are LYING, but you get my drift.

This is feeling a little more ranty than I wanted it to, I hope it isn't, because I'm actually coming into a very good place with things right now; but this stagnant existence has caught up with me, so I'm in purge mode. Purge mode sometimes insists on dragging rant mode along with it, and I don't know why because rant mode is like that annoying friend who never pays.

So anyway, the basic message here is, I've been getting back into my groove, and it feels pretty darn good. There will probably be more to come on this subject. Hopefully it won't take me another billion months to get to the point of posting about it, or anything else for that matter. I've missed you. If there are any of you left. Haha!

Hope everyone enjoys this fine Wednesday. Not sure what it is looking like wherever you are, but we're pretty much having a perfect day for weather here.

Happy Hump Day, y'all!

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