Thursday, September 13, 2012

I'm slowly trying to bring myself back from the dead. Slowly.
If you don't know, I dealt with some postpartum depression after Tobin was born. Quite honestly, I'm pretty sure that I was dealing with it after Darby was born, but I didn't do anything about it.
It has pretty much consumed my existence, and dealing with it on your own is quite a daunting task.

I had been taking a mild antidepressant for a little while after my 6 week postpartum check up, but I found myself feeling as though I needed to up the dosage every few weeks. When the prescription ran out I didn't renew it. On top of everything they wanted me to see a therapist in order to continue the medication. Well, adding another series of appointments to keep track of to the schedule of someone who can't even bring herself to feed the animals in the morning because the thought of it is too overwhelming is not the answer. I did, however, feel as though that short period of time being on the medication helped me to pinpoint cues, and so I felt that I could manage myself more easily.

It hasn't really been a great success, but I'm getting there. That has a lot to do with why I'm so bad about blogging right now, and kind of all over the place.

I haven't really talked to anyone much about it because, frankly, there isn't much to say. There is plenty going on in my head, but it doesn't translate. Even if there were something to say, I don't bring it up because most people don't seem to understand that talking about something doesn't mean that I'm looking for you to solve my problem. I'm not really looking for anyone to solve my problem. I find unsolicited advice to be one of the biggest annoyances in the history of man. Quite honestly, understanding and silence, are far more valuable than useless chatter. That sounds kind of shitty, I suppose, I don't mean it to, and I certainly don't mind words of support, other people's experiences, etc. I'm just easily wearied by the high horse/"here's what you need to do". I don't care what you have read/studied/whatever. If you haven't done this, you have no idea. All of the suggestions from your text book mean nothing to me.

That said, I'm actually going to attempt to use blogging as a way to pull myself out of the crater. Not that I want to blog about this, but maybe blogging, even if it is awful and uninspired for a while, can bring some order back into my existence. 

Hilariously, when I decided to start this thing over (the blog, I mean) I was all fired up about "living deliberately" and I've done anything but that ever since. Ha! The "deliberate living" part of me still lives, I just need to pull it out of the rubble. 
I'm kind of hoping that if I can get back into the swing of blogging, I can get back into the swing of life.
We shall see. 

If you are still around to read this, I am so grateful to you. You have the patience of a saint!

Happy Thursday!

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